Old-Fashioned Stalker Thinks Technology Makes Hunting Women Too Easy – The Onion

November 16, 2022

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Reminiscing about the halcyon days when obsessing over someone and painstakingly following her every move was a genuine craft, old-fashioned stalker Marty Chatham told reporters Tuesday he thought technology had made hunting women far too easy. “Maybe I’m just getting old, but there’s something so lazy and boring about stalking nowadays, when you just open up your phone, scroll through social media, and then all of a sudden, you know anything and everything about someone,” said Chatham, adding that there were so many parts of invading a victim’s privacy that the younger generation was missing out on, like standing outside a window, following a woman with your car, or watching her for hours from a pair of binoculars while hiding behind a bush. “Call me a hopeless romantic, but it’s just not the same unless you’re out driving behind her every night, writing down her schedule, piecing together every little component of her life until you can finally, at the perfect time, make your move. I’m sorry, but where’s the satisfaction of learning who she’s dating, what her favorite song is, or where to abduct her on Facebook? Please.” At press time, Chatham told reporters that maybe he was just nostalgic, but technology had also effectively ruined the complex cat-and-mouse game he used to love to play with police.


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